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So I'm doing a thing. A lot of things...but this thing in particular, I'm also doing. I plan to take some of the thoughts in my head and put them out there for all of humanity to read (and by "humanity" I mean My husband and Mom, which very well may be the only people who actually read this thing).
In any case, I am unsheathing my vulnerability and anxieties and giving people a glimpse into my life as a wife, Mom, daughter, professional photographer, freelance graphic designer, meditation enthusiast, self-proclaimed yogi, and dare I say - writer?...er....eh........let's just keep it at "blogger" for now. I do have a Master's Degree in Creative Writing but I haven't written...really written...in years. So I kind of feel like writing for me, right now, is like an old friend you see from college after years of not seeing them. You remember those days...they look the same, only a little older...they might be married and have kids now...but you're not sure where they are in their lives at this moment and don't want to bring up those crazy parties in case they're currently head of the PTA and they'd hard core judge you for it - you just don't know what you're dealing with just yet, but maybe if y'all get coffee a few times, you can get reacquainted at the point you are in your lives now. That's how I feel about writing.
I used to love it, I still love it...I just don't really get to do it. Until now. So strap in, get your helmets on, and keep all arms and legs in the vehicle at all times - just kidding...it won't be that intense...or will it?
So I guess what I wanted to write about today, for my first entry, is a little bit about me today so we can all get caught up in the same book. I'm married to an even better writer than myself, Jared. He's so handsome, he's an amazing Dad, he's smart, he's HILARIOUS...legit hilarious...but only for a super small group of like 4 or less, he's very observant, he's the most loyal guy you'll ever meet, he gives good hugs, he's a great cook, he's a big soft teddy bear but he looks like he could crush you with his arms, he's black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, he's a small business owner, he's a middle child of 3 boys, he never tells me no (but I know he totally wishes he could), he's my sounding board and he's my best friend.
Together we have a nearly 2 year old daughter, Lucy. She's a FIRECRACKER. She has this room-filling spirit..like the room seems oh so empty when she leaves it. She's fierce. She does everything at level 5000. She funny. She's smart. She's sweet and gentle but also super rough and will hurt an adult unintentionally - we call her our little sourpatch kid - sometimes she's sweet, sometimes she's salty as all hell. She's amazing and teaches me something every day.
We also have an a**hole cat named Bandit. He's aware he's an a**hole but he gives no sh*#s. He's the classic "knock everything off the counter, dupe you into feeding him twice, swipe at your ankles when you're walking out the door" breed of cat. We still love him though. He's our OG.
My passions right now are graphic design (in the game 14 years), photography, vision boards, yoga and now meditation. Ohhhh how I needed to find this again, but at this point in my life. 5 or so years ago I used to attend a yoga and meditation class at a local health club but it was only offered once a week and I never meditated on my own. This...this is different.
I can't even recall how I started on this journey again, but within the past year, I began meditating with a guided meditation app, but not super consistently. Then, in January, after researching a bunch of stuff online about how meditation changes the brain and the way we react to things, I decided to try meditating for 365 days straight, multiple times a day if I could.
I feel like in the 2 short years I've been a Mom, that my emotions have been all over the place, making for crazy energy around me and causing me feel like I'm a human version of a Chihuahua during a thunderstorm with fireworks nearby. I needed something and I kept searching for things to fill the gaps but then I realized what I really needed was to change the way I saw the world and reacted to things rather than try to change things around me...makes sense?
So my meditation journey started January 19 and I've meditated every single day since with the exception of one day 2 weeks ago when we went to New Orleans, got there super late, I didn't notice the time, then it was after midnight all of a sudden and I hadn't meditated that day and I knew it was "tomorrow" now so I mentally beat myself up about it and made myself feel better with delicious New Orleans fare and pastries, so I didn't really "lose," per se. So there went my streak, and my 365 days in a row started over, but at least it didn't happen at like day 360 because I don't intend on skipping a day again.
I read articles about how meditating daily for long periods of time (8 or so weeks +) does all kinds of crazy bodily things like actually making changes the grey matter in our brains, making changes in our genes, thought regulation, gives us more compassion, relieves crippling anxiety (which I suffer from and my husband should probably get counseling [or a trophy] for dealing with me with it for so long) and a plethora of other amazingness.
So here I am, currently 14 days with consecutive (with restarting from the NOLA blip) meditation practice. How is it going? It's f&*#ing amazing. I look forward to it...it's like brain candy for me now. I crave it. I see changes in myself and my reaction to things. Months ago I would get upset pretty easily about trivial things in the big schema. That wasn't the worst part. I would let it ruin hours of my day, if not my whole day. Selfishly. I would let it take moments from my family and I wouldn't be a good friend...just a whole bowl of nope and stop it. It wasn't fun for anyone. But now, just this far into my journey, I don't get as upset. I don't stay upset for as long as I did. Thing don't bother me as much. I have more patience, more compassion, more love toward other humans. Everything's just a bit better...I'm not transformed yet ----
(side story - the other day a problem with childcare arose - I'd normally freak out and get upset and chihuahua all over the place, frantically making things worse while I really thought I was making them better - and I didn't freak out. I calmly rearranged some things and got back on track.)
My huband texted me:
J: "So what's going on now?"
A: "I'm transforming"
J: "Into what?"
A: "This is a test of my reactivity to things"
J: "Optimism-Prime"
...see how witty he is? *swoon*
Back on track - So I haven't had a 180 yet, things still upset me, but it's not level 1000 defcon 5 when it does. But I am enough into my journey to have a tiny taste of the better life I can enjoy without letting things get to me so much. It's kind of like that funny meme going around right now ---> "La Croix taste like if you were drinking carbonated water and someone screamed out loud the name of a specific fruit in the other room." It's kind of like that. The faintest fruit "taste" of La Croix. I can faintly taste what it could be like and I tell you, I'm super excited about it. Here's to more consecutive days.
