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A letter to myself - in my last few days of being 36.
*Remember this feeling - this is how you've felt the last few months - with a smiley little closed-mouth smirk - and the feeling that smiling is just so easy lately.
I know there are words you're looking for to describe how you're feeling right now...today...this week...in this season of your life. I know you search your mind to find the right way to describe it. It's an awakening, Darling...and it needs no description really - because you feel it...and you know it...and you see clearer...and you see people...and you see pain...and happiness...and hope...and you can almost feel the vibrations of people and the world around you...and...it's...deep - and you know without a handbook or a map, that you're just beginning to scratch the surface. It's magnificent and and it's terrifying at the same time.
There's a hyper-awareness about you now. Mindful...mindful...mindful...it seems like a buzz word laid upon your ears right now but it is what you're beginning to try on - and beginning to love - like a new, soft comfy garment that you never want to take off. You're simply more mindful.
You're more mindful about how the smallest thing you do could affect another's day.
You're more mindful about chewing your food slower and really savoring each bite, for there's people who look up into the same sky as you to thank the same beautiful moon as you do but who simply have no food to eat.
You're more mindful about the amount of water you use because you know there's people who walk miles to gather precious water and see it as more than a commodity, but a life source.
You're more mindful about your daughter's mood and why she may be feeling a certain way.
You're more mindful about your husband's needs and you do little things to bring a smile across his lips - because your love for him grows exponentially every single day - and because he works so hard for your family's dreams, and simply because his spirit could use it. And you know that now - and see it - really see it and you notice and you're more thankful than you've ever been.
It's soul-opening...and yet it is exhausting at times. It is hard to keep all the things in proverbial check. It is hard sometimes to be mindful in a world that is all but mindful. Your awakening is a blessing and seemingly, at the same time, a rotten spell.
Seeing through these new lenses shows you just how many people are walking around swimming in their own heads with mundane thoughts of their old recorders. You see their faces and know the same daunting fears and worries and the wanting so badly not to be judged - day in and day out with no thought-process changes and you know that still, they wonder each night when they lay their head down to talk themselves into sleep, why they can't just shut their thoughts off and let their spirit simply rest. I see you. I see you see these people and you want to hug them and hold their hand and take their phone away for a bit and put your warm hand on their beautiful beating heart and show them that's where the answers are - for they're not in a podcast or hidden in chapter 6 on their kindle - they're also in the same spot where the old recordings are stored, but they have yet to sort through the old thoughts and throw out that which does not serve them.
At the same time you don't want to interfere because honestly, what decree do you possess to be able to be a spokesperson about the awakening that's beginning to unravel in you? But then you realize that those are your old recordings...and you know everyone's journey and time is different. And you can tell people about the amazing connection you feel now - and they can take their message from it if they're willing to listen to their spirit calling for it...like you did. So just keep doing that. Continue on your journey, tell the ones open to hearing about your trip about your trip. Bring as many people with you as you can, Darling, because you have the infinite hope that maybe, one day, others will be awakened like you and the ones sputtering through life aimlessly, lost in their groundhog days, will eventually become the minority...and that you had a hand in that.